Me

   I'd love to tell you who I am. But the thing is, I don't really know who I am.
   I know right now I have my legs crossed, computer on my lap, with the same sweats I wore yesterday (don't tell anyone). I have a bunch of ideas buzzing around in my head. But I also have a lot of questions, worries, and regrets up there, too.
   I have an idea of what I want in my life, but then again, is that really what I want? I know that I think I know what I want. But I'm not too sure of that, either. Confused yet? Yeah, well, welcome to my life.
   I feel like I'm a point of my life where I see a long, crazy road ahead of me and not much of a trail behind me. Where in the world is that trail? Why haven't I made a mark on the places I've been, the things I've accomplished?
   I know that I need to walk heavier on the places I've been in order for people to remember me, to want to know me. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I mean, I already kind of walk heavy on my feet and my roommates complain that I sound like a heard of elephants thumping up the stairs.
   But if I give my whole heart into everything I do, people will remember me as, "the girl who can make her own mark on the world and not depend on others to do it for her." And maybe that could help me figure out who I am, too.
   I also know that I'm scared. Like, really really scared. Scared of growing up, failing, unhappiness, love, life. I'm scared of moving through life too fast and not getting what I want out of it. I'm scared of failing: failing at a career, at making my family proud, and even at being a sufficient friend/sister/companion. But the biggest thing I'm scared of is being unhappy.
Right now, at this very moment, while listening to bad country songs and staring at the dirty bowl from my Lucky Charms on my desk that I need to clean (I lead a very exciting life, you know), I can't wholeheartedly say I'm happy. And it's not that I'm single or that my best friend just left for the weekend. It's because I'm not happy with myself at this point.
   This story is about to come full circle.
   I'm unhappy with myself because I don't know who I am. I'm 21 and still have no clue what I'm going to do after I walk across the graduation stage in a year. I have one year--almost a year exactly--to figure out what I want to do in order to make my mark in the "dirt of life". Honestly, that's not a lot of time to get my shit together.
   Hopefully in those 365 days, I can learn something. Even if it's just one little thing, like something that inspires a teacher or what makes a stranger happy. But if I'm lucky, maybe I can learn something more. Something like what it really feels like to write every single day or how to (finally) love myself in order to let another person in.
   Until then though, I'm still figuring it out. Figuring me out, figuring everyone else out, and figuring life out. Talk to me in a year and hopefully I can finally say who I am.

Love,
a Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out