Live it Up

One of my biggest fears is dying. That's probably not unusual since a lot of other people's fears could be that, too. But I don't know which part of dying scares me more: the unknown that comes after it or the fact that I won't continue life here.

It scares me because I not only have a severe fear of missing out (and that would definitely happen since I won't be able to hang out with folks on Earth anymore), but I want to make sure I did everything I was meant to do while I'm alive. The problem with that though is I have no idea what I'm meant to do. Some people know they are meant to save lives or develop the next high tech medical equipment or teach children. Me? I can barely decide if I want to apply to grad school or just go home after graduation. And what the heck is with my major? Writing's not going to help anyone.

And that freaks me out. It doesn't help that I'm a hypochondriac and think I have every fatal illness known to man so I think my time is limited (Seriously, I thought I had Malaria once. WebMD is the worst.). But maybe that fire under my butt to live more fully is sort of a good thing. Besides wondering if I'll come back as a ghost or reincarnated into a chicken (Dear God, I hope I at least come back as something cool. Like a koala bear or a sloth.), I spend my time thinking about the future and death instead of taking time to think about the now.

But how is a girl like me supposed to make a dent in billions of people's lives? There's no way I can come up with something as great as Google or McDonald's or, more importantly, Snuggies. I feel as though I'm just a number and have so many ideas that I want to pursue but I won't have enough time to do them.

Well, the first step I've realized is to take one thing at a time. I know I have the capacity to make a difference, I just need to figure out what. My new goal is to get shit done and stop obsessing about what's going to happen to me when I'm not here. I need to fill those spots in my life with fun, learning, joy, and family and everything will fall into place. Moving forward and not questioning the unknown gives way to a fulfilling life.

If I continue to let my fear of dying control me, it's like I'm dead anyway.

Live it up.

Love,
a Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out

Dear Hannah,

People suck. They really do. Even those people whom you thought were your friends. Close friends at that. People can be really selfish and hurtful and they don't even realize it.

But then again, there are some really wonderful people out there. Selfishness is not an option for them and they would do anything to put your happiness as a top priority. Kind of like how you are.

Don't let the bad people get in the way of the good people. If you do that, you'll just lose all hope in relationships altogether and end up alone.

I know it's hard. Getting pushed to the side or completely ignored feels terrible. You feel devalued as a person; if even your closest friends don't appreciate you or do anything(or even just that one little thing) for you or even just simply include you.. then what are you left with? A horrible feeling that you aren't worth anything to anyone.

At this point, you probably feel like you were meant to be alone. No one has the time for you, no one thinks of you before themselves, and no one probably even notices your gone.

But stop thinking like that.

Remember what I said: with really bad people/friends comes really, really great ones. Unfortunately, the bad ones may outnumber the good ones. But they're there. And once you find them and realize how amazing friends and people in general can be, you'll never want to let them go. Because you'll just want to return the appreciation and the love right back to them--to the ones who deserve your time.

Until then, know your worth. The bad people might not see it but it's there. And someone great will come along and show you it.

Love,
A Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out

I Thought Bullying Ended in Middle School

We are no longer teenagers. We are in college. And we still think it’s necessary to make fun of people who are different than us.

            All we know about a person is their physical attributes: height, hair color, weight (just to name a few). At least, that’s all we really know. The rest is a secret, hidden from the rest of the world until the person is ready to share. And honestly, I’m not sure if these people would ever want to share to those who make fun of them.

            We have no idea what people are going through. Sure, they may be quiet and to themselves. But does that make them a bad person, or better yet: a person to be a target for jokes? Absolutely not. A person’s physical or personality traits aren’t an excuse to get made fun of.  So what if they prefer to be alone or do their own thing. Because it’s their thing—not yours to make fun of. Just because they aren’t doing what you like to do doesn’t give you permission to make fun of them.

            I’m using “you” because I refuse to take part in making fun of others and I am completely against bullies of every kind. “You” meaning those who use “faggot” as a derogatory term; “you” meaning those who call people “fat” or “huge” because they aren’t your size. And all of “you” out there who think it’s okay that just because they can’t hear you make fun of them, means you can do it.

            It disgusts me. The last time I experienced any form of bullying was in middle school. And it was with a group of preteen girls who thought they were the queens of the school. And guess what? Their rein ended there. All of you 20-something bullies are acting like thirteen-year-old girls. Way to go: you all are going places.

            I guess my point here is that you don’t know what others are going through when you spit out the insults. In fact, you don’t know what your friends are going through who are sitting next to you when you say the insults. You could trigger depression or suicidal thoughts just by taking a jab at someone else. You might be thinking, "Stop being so serious, Hannah." But here's the thing: it is serious. I've seen what can happen to people who are made fun of and the power just one word can cause.

           It hurts me, it really does. I have close family members who are at the other end of bullying and I see what they have to go through. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear what they say about people at school, work, and every day life just because of what they look like or act. 

            So if “you” decide to make fun of somebody, I’m not going to be laughing.

From a Girl Still Trying to Figure it (bullying) Out 

            

Live. And dance.

Just do it.

Anything. Everything.

Do everything you’ve ever said you wanted to do without thinking twice. Travel to a faraway country for the experience. Just say yes when a random person asks you to dance.

Why? Because life is too short and valuable to waste it on tears, second guesses, and regrets.

Even though we all get scared of the unknown or a little homesick for the usual routine back at home, we all need to step outside our comfort zone to experience life. 

Life is scary. It’s absolutely terrifying. Sometimes I just want to scream: “Holy shit, there is no way I’m ever going to do that.” But what scares me more is giving up an opportunity to do something great just because I was afraid or self-conscious or hesitant. Going through life with reservations is a hell of a lot scarier than going through life with everything you've got. 

I mean, I just danced in my garage with my mom to 90's music for no good reason. Our neighbors most likely saw us and judged us hard core, but I could care less. C'mon, I'm 21 and danced (horribly) with my mother, while scaring my senile dog, with my dad just shaking his head at us. Can you picture it?Well that moment made me feel really happy and thankful for everything I had right now, despite how stupid we probably looked. 

You never know when your time is up, so in the meantime you have to live every second to the fullest. Fill that time with the best memories, laughter, and friendship. So when that day comes, hopefully in the faraway future, you are able to say you lived a happy life and did everything you’ve ever wanted to do. (Like dance with your mom to Smash Mouth). 

So while I don't exactly have everything figured out, I do know this much: 

Love hard. Laugh harder. And for god’s sake, just dance with them already.


Love, 
A girl still trying to figure it out 

Ciao? Salve? Hi?

I've been in the small town of Urbino, Italy for the past few days. This is the first time I've been out of the country--like, really out of the country (not in Mexico at an Americanized resort with waiters who speak English every time they serve you a pina colada).
Urbino is a city you'd see in a fairytale book about renaissance knights and dukes overlooking their kingdom: a vast mountain scape swallowing up a walled city with winding alleys to nowhere and marble sculptures in their name lining the Piazza. Needless to say, it is far out of my comfort zone in my small town on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.
And I love it.
I love it because I am seeing a completely different culture live in front of my eyes. Every day I see the old men sitting on the wall at the Piazza, conversing about life and observing the younger Italians bustling in front of them. I get to see the shop owners close up for "pausa", where they go home for lunch to eat with their families.
I'll admit, when I first arrived I was in a bit of a panic. There was barely any internet connection and it would be month when I could watch another episode of "Friday Night Lights". Oh, and don't forget the lack of AC in my dorm room, which somewhat resembles a jail cell.
But once I got past the luxuries I'm used to back home that seem to be missing in this town, my outlook of this experience changed completely. I realized I am lucky enough to meet university students in Urbino and find out what life is like for them every day. These students (who are also our translators for this trip) know English fluently and some of them dream about moving to the States. I have become somewhat ashamed that Americans (me included) aren't fluent in a foreign language and are stuck in the American way of fast food, fast pace lives, and fast commitments. This only makes me appreciate the Urbino students and citizens even more. I know only a few words in Italian, so asking for things in stores and at restaurants becomes a game of pointing and gestures. But I want that to change for me. 
For now during my short stay in this hidden treasure of a town, I will make sure to enjoy every moment in the simple way the people of Urbino do: with an open mind, a will to learn, and a patient heart.

Ciao with love,
A Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out

Find the Happy

   We all have different opinions, experiences, and perspectives on what happiness is. But I think we all have this preconceived notion that in order for something to make us happy, it has to be this huge, amazing event or else it isn't a big deal at all.
   This is bad.
   If we only believe that these remarkable experiences are the only ones to lift our mood, change our lives, and make us feel better about ourselves, then we're in for some serious trouble. Okay, sure, you think losing 15 pounds would make you the happiest person in the world--that once you're skinnier, you'll finally be happy with yourself--- but that's not going to happen in a day. So enjoy that cookie or skip out on the daily workout if in that moment, it'll make you happy. Having a rockin' bod and a six pack will definitely be amazing, but waiting for that to happen will only bring frustration, impatience, and will ultimately make you feel worse about yourself if you don't do something to make yourself happy in the meantime. That's why we all need to start appreciating the little things that happen in between those wonderful, monumentally happy moments. (Because let's face it: the only six pack I'll ever have is in the refrigerator).
   I realize I do this too: I think if something huge doesn't happen, like if I don't win that writing contest I applied for or if I can't adopt that adorable mutt puppy at the SPCA (mom....) or if a guy I'm into can't handle all my awesomeness, then my overall happiness falls tremendously because I couldn't find anything else to be happy about.
   But driving home on this beautiful, cloudless spring day, I realize I have so much more to be happy about besides those huge things in my life. I mean, I didn't trip over anything today, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I also didn't hit one red light on Reservoir Street, which never happens. Realizing that these two small things had happened to me today boosted my mood--maybe not to the extent of running around my apartment screaming about my excitement--but they did make me smile.
   If we all just stop expecting so much in order to be happy, then we'll be better off. For those girls waiting for a guy to serenade them from their window, you're going to be seriously let down. Those of you who try on a million outfits in the morning trying to find the perfect one thinking that will make your day better, just stop worrying about it. Just be happy you didn't find a pair of clean undies tucked in your sweatshirt midday (yes, this has happened to me before).
   There are millions of things in every single day that should make you happy. Whether it be someone held the door open for you or you got to enjoy time outside or your mom called you with a funny story. For now, try to embrace those things because they lead to true happiness. You will no longer depend on the huge moments in life to be your only source of happiness.
   So go out there and enjoy the happy.
    PS--- if you're interested in getting me a puppy, you know where to find me.

Love,
a Girl Still Trying to Figure It Out

Me

   I'd love to tell you who I am. But the thing is, I don't really know who I am.
   I know right now I have my legs crossed, computer on my lap, with the same sweats I wore yesterday (don't tell anyone). I have a bunch of ideas buzzing around in my head. But I also have a lot of questions, worries, and regrets up there, too.
   I have an idea of what I want in my life, but then again, is that really what I want? I know that I think I know what I want. But I'm not too sure of that, either. Confused yet? Yeah, well, welcome to my life.
   I feel like I'm a point of my life where I see a long, crazy road ahead of me and not much of a trail behind me. Where in the world is that trail? Why haven't I made a mark on the places I've been, the things I've accomplished?
   I know that I need to walk heavier on the places I've been in order for people to remember me, to want to know me. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I mean, I already kind of walk heavy on my feet and my roommates complain that I sound like a heard of elephants thumping up the stairs.
   But if I give my whole heart into everything I do, people will remember me as, "the girl who can make her own mark on the world and not depend on others to do it for her." And maybe that could help me figure out who I am, too.
   I also know that I'm scared. Like, really really scared. Scared of growing up, failing, unhappiness, love, life. I'm scared of moving through life too fast and not getting what I want out of it. I'm scared of failing: failing at a career, at making my family proud, and even at being a sufficient friend/sister/companion. But the biggest thing I'm scared of is being unhappy.
Right now, at this very moment, while listening to bad country songs and staring at the dirty bowl from my Lucky Charms on my desk that I need to clean (I lead a very exciting life, you know), I can't wholeheartedly say I'm happy. And it's not that I'm single or that my best friend just left for the weekend. It's because I'm not happy with myself at this point.
   This story is about to come full circle.
   I'm unhappy with myself because I don't know who I am. I'm 21 and still have no clue what I'm going to do after I walk across the graduation stage in a year. I have one year--almost a year exactly--to figure out what I want to do in order to make my mark in the "dirt of life". Honestly, that's not a lot of time to get my shit together.
   Hopefully in those 365 days, I can learn something. Even if it's just one little thing, like something that inspires a teacher or what makes a stranger happy. But if I'm lucky, maybe I can learn something more. Something like what it really feels like to write every single day or how to (finally) love myself in order to let another person in.
   Until then though, I'm still figuring it out. Figuring me out, figuring everyone else out, and figuring life out. Talk to me in a year and hopefully I can finally say who I am.

Love,
a Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out