Live it Up

One of my biggest fears is dying. That's probably not unusual since a lot of other people's fears could be that, too. But I don't know which part of dying scares me more: the unknown that comes after it or the fact that I won't continue life here.

It scares me because I not only have a severe fear of missing out (and that would definitely happen since I won't be able to hang out with folks on Earth anymore), but I want to make sure I did everything I was meant to do while I'm alive. The problem with that though is I have no idea what I'm meant to do. Some people know they are meant to save lives or develop the next high tech medical equipment or teach children. Me? I can barely decide if I want to apply to grad school or just go home after graduation. And what the heck is with my major? Writing's not going to help anyone.

And that freaks me out. It doesn't help that I'm a hypochondriac and think I have every fatal illness known to man so I think my time is limited (Seriously, I thought I had Malaria once. WebMD is the worst.). But maybe that fire under my butt to live more fully is sort of a good thing. Besides wondering if I'll come back as a ghost or reincarnated into a chicken (Dear God, I hope I at least come back as something cool. Like a koala bear or a sloth.), I spend my time thinking about the future and death instead of taking time to think about the now.

But how is a girl like me supposed to make a dent in billions of people's lives? There's no way I can come up with something as great as Google or McDonald's or, more importantly, Snuggies. I feel as though I'm just a number and have so many ideas that I want to pursue but I won't have enough time to do them.

Well, the first step I've realized is to take one thing at a time. I know I have the capacity to make a difference, I just need to figure out what. My new goal is to get shit done and stop obsessing about what's going to happen to me when I'm not here. I need to fill those spots in my life with fun, learning, joy, and family and everything will fall into place. Moving forward and not questioning the unknown gives way to a fulfilling life.

If I continue to let my fear of dying control me, it's like I'm dead anyway.

Live it up.

Love,
a Girl Still Trying to Figure it Out